Looking back

We always try to find the answer on why things happen or why did I not see this when things happen to us. I myself have been thinking this to myself for the last year but recently it has been even more so.

While gathering pictures of Xander to be put into a project my dear cousin is helping me on I came across the pictures of the day he was born and in those pictures right there i should have followed my gut instinct and spoke up. Xander in these pictures looks so purple and blue and seeing them having to use an oxygen bag on him just to get him to breathe right should have been an even bigger clue there was something not right, but i really just let it slide thinking that maybe this is what a full term baby looks like ( have never had actual full term babies before). Just going over these pictures seriously put me in a funk and the blame game started all over again.

As I continued to do this it finally (yet again) hit me that there was no way i could have prevented anything if i had actually said something was wrong, what was about to be was always going to be what it was there is no way i could ever change that. He came to us with half a heart for a reason. He loved god so much that he just could not leave him fully so he left half of his heart with him and came to us as a special blessing.

Xander is an amazing child to say the least and with every trial that has come his way he has proven that nothing will hold him back ( he gets that from his daddy i say) his little body can only handle so much but man when that boy is determined to get that toy at the other end of the living room he will force all of the energy with in him to make it to it with out having to stop and rest.

We were told that he may not be here long but really do any of us know how long we will be here? The only one that can determine our time length is the one who sent us here.

Update in the new year!

Well it's 2012, wow how 2011 flew by. I'm sure it's because during the majority of it I was in a walking fog, but 2011 definitely taught me many things about myself especially but also about my family!

I'm noticing as the weeks get closer to Xander's birthday my emotions are high. Just visiting the OBGYN and seeing all of these beautiful pregnant woman brings you back to where it was that happy period, you know the last few weeks of being pregnant counting down those days til you no longer have to share what little space you now have in your body and knowing your healthy baby will be in your arms soon.

Now you look at every pregnant woman wondering to yourself, "do they know there could be something wrong even though they have been told everything looks great"? Yep I have those thoughts and it's pretty normal to have them as well.

On a Xander update: he is crawling and exploring ALL over the house!!! It takes a lot out of him but he will rest in between each crawl until he gets to where he wants or what he's going after!

He will officially be off tube feeding for a month on the 14th!! I was SOOO excited to send that dang food pump back!!

Now if only I could get the oxygen stuff to go away, but that will come with time!